Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Online Dating Scene

Hollah. It’s your boy, Ravon. So I’ve signed up to numerous online dating websites and I’ve been perusing the detritious swamp that is online matching.

Let me tell you, it’s not pretty my people. I’ve done the research and I’ve read the data and quite frankly we’re in for one raucous ride. And by we, I’m invoking the royal “we”. I’ll be your personal messiah, I’m placing myself in the lion’s den, quick beneath her paw, her nibbling at my ear. I’m making this sacrifice so that you may learn the vagaries of online dating scene. Just think of me as the Bear Grylls of online investigations.

In the past post I’ve set-up the terrain for us and inform you, my faithful, readers about the intending rules. Today I’ll hit you off with the archetypes:

1. The Cougar: Married or recently divorced. Wants to recreate the college experience with guys twice her age and stamina.

2. The Condemned to be Angry: Constantly pissed off. Not much will ever make her happy or satisfied.

3. The “Shy” One: Quiet. Demure. Rapacious and not in a good way. More than you’ll ever bargain for. She’s bait and switch. Watch your back.

4. The “Feminist”: Now before you attack me, “What’s up with you, Rave, are you hating on women?” No. I don’t. I haven’t read Wally Lamb but I’m in love with Alice Walker. Check the reference. That said our quarry in this taxonomy is an independent womyn with no need for a man. In order to be deemed worthy the man needs to be well versed in feminist lore, politically competent and habitually attentive. Basically he must be emasculated. Good luck with that. Be aware while complete male dependence is professed you are expected to pay for dinner; hold and open all doors, remove all chairs, open all car doors; walk on the outside facing the street; and fend off all other men. You are expected to weather all snarky remarks to the contrary and observe all rules of 1990’s political correctness. Again, have fun.

These are the main individuals to be concerned with that I’ve spied so far. Your boy posted his profiles. I got my editors to spring for a budget for the actual dates, think "steakums" as opposed to steak.

I’ll get back to you as the replies come in.

After all, I am one sexy mother--.